Jessie Hobson is the author of several memoirs from his various lives, a collection of My Little Pony fanfiction novels, as well as the forthcoming alien-themed bukake erotica “Blumperfluff” series, which he insists is “sure to be my seminal work.” He has walked near many colleges, but hasn’t attended none of them. He has won numerous awards, including several not created and awarded by his mother, and many of his works have skyrocketed to double-digit sales. He was convicted of first-degree murder, and remains on death row in San Quentin State Prison while his case is on appeal to the Supreme Court of California. He maintains his innocence. Due to good behavior he is currently allowed to write reviews for CineDump. To kill time, Jessie enjoys collecting VHS tapes and playing with his pet cat, Eli. Follow Jessie HERE.

Divine Being, Influencer

 

 


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Jason Howard once spent a harrowing 12 1/2 hours locked in a room with a television hard tuned to the Lifetime Network's Meredith Baxter Birney Weekend Movie Marathon (the LNMBBWMM). When he was finally rescued and emerged from the room a mere fragment of the man he used to be, he vowed that if he ever married Meredith Baxter Birney, he would not physically or mentally abuse her, force her to do anything against her will, or bring their shared children across state lines without her knowledge as the men in her life so often seem to do. He has kept that promise lo these many years. Jason has also VERY recently achieved his goal of using the phrase “lo these many years” (about 2 seconds ago in fact). The closest he had previously come was in 1997, when, at a party he said “LOW these many years.” While those listening could not hear the silent ‘w’, Jason has always known it was there, and was finally forced to admit his shortcoming in an untelevised and unattended press conference 4 years later. Unlike Annie or Sweeney Todd, Jason's tragic experience has not been turned into a musical (yet), but if you ask him nicely, he might sing to (at) you about it. Follow Jason HERE.

FOOL PITYER, THE CHAMP


Preston Fassel was spawned in the bayous of Houston and matured between the treacherous suburbs of St. Louis and the mysterious backwoods of Oklahoma, where he engaged in his now legendary battles with mutant hillbillies. One of North America's only certified Doctors of Horror, he is frequently sought out by those looking to comprehend the subversive and macabre. Legend says an expedition to Area 51 declared him "The Modern Day Van Helsing," though their subsequent disappearance prevents this from being independently verified. In his spare time he leads a double life as the Neon Golem, champion of women in horror and interesting eyewear, and enjoys collecting the bricks people have thrown through his window. Follow Preston HERE.

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