Clint Eastwood is back in the news again, folks.
That’s right, everybody’s Platonic ideal of an irascible, reactionary grandpa is refusing to honor the boycott against filming in Georgia, the state where it’s great to be a budget-conscious filmmaker but awful to be a woman.
Now, let’s make one thing clear--I do not approve of Eastwood’s decision, but maybe we’re all addressing this moral problem from the entirely wrong perspective. What if Clint Eastwood is beyond the common decency of mortal mankind?
What if Clint Eastwood is a zombie?
I know, it sounds ridiculous, but let’s just pause for a moment and consider the evidence:
That drawn look of death.
(Fig. 1-A)
Please direct your attention to Fig. 1-A. Here we have a side-by-side comparison of a young Eastwood with a much older one. Even in his more youthful state, you can tell the zombification process was in full effect: that tightly drawn skin (Have you ever seen a mummy in a museum?
Skin tighter than a pair of cheap yoga pants), the paralyzed lips (more on that later), and let’s not forget, the dead, dead eyes which neither take in or emit light.
As the side-by-side shows, the effects of zombification only worsened with age. Zombies, as we all know, are essentially immortal (but more on that below), but they, like us, are still the playthings of time. They rot like we will one day, slowly disintegrating before our eyes as Fig. 1-A demonstrates.
(Fig. 1-B)
For further proof, please peruse Fig. 1-B. Here we see young and old Zombie Eastwood yet again. While the effects of time are evident, I’ve selected this side-by-side to demonstrate that even in his younger days, Eastwood was a threat to the human race. Look at those eyes--that’s the stare of an unrepentant predator, as remorseless as those lions on the Discovery Channel. That’s not a human, dear readers, that’s a killing machine in peak form, and it’s hungry for one thing: flesh. Just tell me you can look at those cold, frozen lips parted in bloodlust and not feel a shiver take you over. It’s okay--it’s a human’s natural response when confronted with one of nature’s apex predators.
That perma-frown.
Figures 1-A and 1-B demonstrated this in part, but Zombie Eastwood’s mortified facial muscles are only further proof of what should be abundantly clear by this point. Please refer to Fig. 2-A from late into Eastwood’s career as a zombie auteur. An inhuman growl escapes from Eastwood’s lips, a howl of lust and despair, but his mouth remains frozen, a primordial reminder of our own impending deaths.
(Fig. 2-A)
(Fig. 2-B)
This is not just old age, friends. As Fig. 2-B clearly demonstrates, in the “heyday” of this danse macabre, Zombie Eastwood’s immobile lips, suitable only for parting enough to take in its daily consumption of raw, human flesh, served as a sort of savage trademark. Also, not to beat a dead zombie, but look at those eyes. So cold, so vacant of life…truly chilling.
He keeps coming back.
When you search “Clint Eastwood retirement,” the second question listed on Google is “Was Gran Torino Clint Eastwood’s last movie?” Gran Torino was released in 2008. I have to say it again--2008. Nearly a lifetime ago. Zombie Eastwood’s much lauded “farewell to cinema” came out so long ago, 2008 might as well be another century, culturally speaking.
Since then, Eastwood has directed eight movies and starred in eleven. Like the soul-bereft, gut-munching monsters of the silver screen, Eastwood just keeps coming back, and back, and back. Just when he’s shoved off with one last, final farewell--Bam! He’s back with another tale of a crusty old guy ready to throw down. As soon as we think we’re safe--Oh no! Here’s Zombie Eastwood, shambling along to share his reactionary political opinions (more on that below).
The greatest feature of zombies (other than their insatiable hunger) is their resilience, and our Clint has that in abundance. And while it’s made him one of the most prolific American filmmakers to date, it also adds to his grotesque grandeur. Like his less-well-preserved brethren, Eastwood loves to fake a farewell, and we can look forward to many, many more years of terror thanks to him.
He’s a Republican.
Ok, I can’t take all the credit for this piece of evidence. Zac Thompson, a contributing editor to the Huffington Post, wrote a think piece in 2017 called, “Does the Party in Power Determine the Monsters in Our Blockbusters?”. In it, he theorizes that zombies, with their conformity, their mindless consumption, and their need to endlessly assimilate and colonize represent fears about the American political Right.
And who, dear CineDump readers, is more proudly Republican than our favorite zombie auteur? That’s right--from talking to empty chairs (a sign he can communicate with the spirit world as Salem Witch Trial transcripts have amply confirmed), to defending Trump, to his latest decision to defy the Georgia boycott, Eastwood has typified our most cherished zombie stereotypes. Mindlessness, blind allegiance, and disregard for others are all common traits of a certain very famous movie monster, and of course, zombies as well.
Do we really need any more evidence? Well, I think I’ve saved the best for last...
He has never publicly denied he is a zombie.
This is, without a doubt, the most damning evidence of all. I mean, what is he trying to hide? If Clint Eastwood isn’t a zombie (which really is just a laughable delusion by this point), then why hasn’t he addressed it?
As we all know, Eastwood loves the spotlight almost as much as he loves human flesh, so why would he let the opportunity to defend himself slip by time and time again? While he may maintain that Obama’s presidency is the “greatest fraud” ever perpetrated on the American people, we need to acknowledge the innate absurdity of a shambling, dangerous corpse passing himself as a director and actor for decades upon decades. Really, America, how long are we going to let his charade continue without comment?
No more.
If you need more evidence of the obvious, look around you--the proof is everywhere. It’s there, people, the truth is right in front of you. So, lock your doors, keep your children close, and arm yourselves with knowledge, the only weapon that can save us in this struggle against a creature like Zombie Eastwood.
And if you want to do more to help women other than mock a miserable, boring fuck, feel free to click HERE and donate to help Planned Parenthood continue to provide education and assistance for women in need.
Pennie Sublime